No one likes pain.
No one wants to feel pain, unless you have issues.
We avoid it with a passion, we distract ourselves so we don’t have to feel the pain. But…
“Pain demands to be felt.” -The Fault in Our Stars
This is a great quote. They say you have to feel the pain in order to heal properly. I used to think they meant for a moment, at the most a day. So I’d allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling for the moment, then I’d move on and think “Okay, I can be happy now.” Nope. It doesn’t work that way. After a while I was like, why isn’t this going away? I’ve been feeling, living in the moment, journaling and I’m just going in circles. I’m not happy.
I’ve realized, because of that, that it’s okay to not be happy. It’s okay to be in pain and not feel great all the time. I was sick of pretending, of trying to be happy, of striving to be or feel something that I was not. It’s easier now that I’m not trying to fool myself or pretend or change my feelings.
I am in a lot of pain right now.
I’m not one of those people who wear their heart on their sleeve. I do not usually show my feelings, I’m just uncomfortable with that. I have to trust you a lot to show you how I am doing, really doing-but pretending all the time gets tiring. It’s exhausting to be around people who are always happy and expect you to be happy. So when my uncle died I was relieved. I was relieved because I wouldn’t have to fake it anymore. Now whenever I was sad I didn’t have to pretend, I could express how I was and wouldn’t have to worry about people asking me how I am or what’s wrong-I hate when people ask me that because they always want a simple answer and I can’t give them that. When people ask you how you’re doing they’re usually in a rush, going out the door or something. The phrase has lost it’s meaning, no one really means “how are you?” when they ask, it’s just a formality. Not to mention I don’t want to share my feelings with an acquaintance or someone who will try to give me advice and tell me what to do, which I don’t need right now. I need someone who will know that all that is needed is to allow me to express myself and simply feel that with me, and I have family and friends (praise God!) who do that.
Pain demands to be felt. If you live your life running from your pain, from your true feelings, you will NEVER be happy. Ever. That pain will follow you to your death. So express it. Maybe not to everyone, maybe just to your journal but sometimes that isn’t enough. Take your feelings to a trusted friend and confidant, someone you know will not go around sharing your innermost thoughts and fears and emotions to the world at large. Someone who will listen and be there. There are times when you need someone to tell you if something is right or wrong, so find someone wise and who will be willing and able to provide that, yet will also know when you just need silence and a hug. Pray also. Prayer gives a great amount of peace and keep in mind that God has given us friends that we can rely on and who will bring us closer to Him, simply by listening and supporting us.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6-7
Pain is tough. It hurts. It hurts bad. Really really really bad-but don’t suck it up. Let it out somehow, someway where you won’t be hurting anyone else, in a healthy way. If you suck it up, it only allows it to stew underneath the surface and you become a bitter and hurting, hurtful person. Which is not healthy and is unpleasant and will make others not want to spend time with you.
I can understand rebellion now. I never could before. I always thought people who rebelled were just being stupid and immature but I have recently seen one of my biggest heroes, one of my idols, fall. They have hurt me and I can’t push them out of my life-I don’t want to and I know it would only blow up and be way more painful that I would like it to. But I am still hurt and bitter about it and I want to rebel against them. I want to show them that I do not care. That they no longer have any influence over me and that I no longer respect them or look up to them. I want vengeance. I want to make them feel how they have made me feel.
I’ve dealt with vengeance before. It’s not pretty. You think you’re hurting them when you’re only hurting yourself. You’re putting chains on yourself, making yourself a servant to something dark and evil that doesn’t end until by God’s grace you give it up and forgive.
But I don’t want to. I don’t want to forgive. I want to stay mad at them. So I don’t allow myself to think about the good things about them because I know that I will stop me being mad at them. I want to be stubborn and bitter and hurtful.
I told you I have experience in this. So I know what I should do and say. I know I should forgive them, that forgiving them is not saying that it’s alright and they didn’t do anything wrong, but that it was wrong and it did hurt but that I’m giving them grace, the same grace God has given me. I want to ignore this, and I have. I want to ignore God’s grace, God’s pardon for me because then I won’t feel bad about not giving it to others.
So I have a choice. Forgive and live freely, maybe even be happy one day, or don’t forgive and be bitter and unhappy forever. It’s tough. Really tough to forgive. It’s against out nature-but not against God’s.
This isn’t the only pain I’m experiencing. Just read some earlier blog posts and you will understand. On top of growing up, leaving home and going to college. I hate growing up. I really hate growing up. I never realized my life would be different from when I was a kid-I mean, I knew I would have more responsibility, it wouldn’t be as fun and etc. but I didn’t realize that I would be a different person, that my family would be different people and have different lives. I thought my siblings and I would always be close and best friends-which is still true, in a way, but it’s different.
So pain. It hurts. It’s hard. There are lots of things you believe about pain until you experience it, and even then you believe things that aren’t right. So allow yourself to feel. Don’t fake it, at least not in the presence of dear friends. Allow them to be there for you, because this is legit. If it’s painful, it’s real. Don’t brush it off as something light or easy, it hard and difficult. Don’t run from your pain, as hard as it is, and don’t allow it to overpower you.
“Be angry and do not sin;
on your bed, reflect in your heart and be still.” -Psalm 4:4 (HCSB)