I just got home from church camp. It was probably my favorite time there.
This year was different. I didn’t get the camp high and I didn’t leave my cares behind me like usual. It was a nice break but I didn’t forget what was really going on; which allowed God to speak to me-not that he hasn’t all those other years at camp, but this year was more personal. It went deeper.
He didn’t promise everything was going to be okay-not by worldly standards. In fact, things might get worse.
But he will be with me through all of it, which is truly wonderful.
I’m excited to see what happens because I want to see how I grow from this new season-even if it is painful.
Camp basically confirmed a bunch of things that God has been telling me, but something new (and totally amazing) came one night during evening tabernacle. The speaker for that week was comparing our relationship with God to a relationship between an engaged couple. I had heard this metaphor many times but something he said inspired something that really struck me,
Jesus is the only guy who has ever done anything for me.
I mean, of course my dad and my brothers love me and have done things for me because they love me-but in comparison, well, they just don’t compare.
As much as I know my family loves me, Jesus has done above and beyond what they could even dream of doing for me.
This made me think more about how much I put guys before God in my thoughts and in my life.
If God loves me this much, to die for me and do countless other things for me, me specifically, and if no guy (outside of family) has ever paid me any mind, why am I so consumed with finding myself a man?
I do believe that this is a desire that God has set in my heart, but it should not come before him.
I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately (although I’m not sure if I ever stop thinking about relationships…). It seems every time one of my friends surrender, truly surrender, their life and heart to God, they get married not long afterward.
I used to want to be sold out for God because of this, but I’ve realized that that is trying to manipulate God-which is bad and stupid. Who can manipulate God? Only by God can I say this, that I want to love God solely for the purpose of loving God, loving others and going on an adventure with Him.
The disappointing fact is that I am human.
I am broken. I backslide all the freaking time and regret things and make mistakes and have to ask for forgiveness and say I’m sorry-I have pain and problems and I have to work through stuff all the time!
I pray that this love will not change-not God’s love, his love never changes, but my love for him.
I want to desire God. I want to truly follow him. I want to be totally on fire-it doesn’t have to be a raging fire, but a blue fire, a passionate fire. I want to be so in love with Jesus that nothing else matters. That I forget and don’t see anything else but his love.
I want to share that love with others, to change someone’s life, to change the world through God’s love in my life.
And I want to act on that love. I want to have adventures with God.
All this to say, it’s a struggle. Is anything easy? I suppose sin is.
It is a struggle.
And it is a glorious struggle.