Last night I ended up having a fantastic conversation with a new friend. We talked about discipleship, ministry, and our own struggles in faith. Turns out that we both struggle with pride.
My pride is usually manifested through my thoughts. I don’t know how much my own prejudice is shown, but I know that internally the comparison game is hard. It usually starts when I see something in a friend’s life that I’m jealous of (it can be anything between them having a good dinner, to having a boyfriend). Then, because I feel sorry for myself, I end up asking myself what I have that they don’t – and that’s when it happens, the inflation. Rather than being glad that my friends are blessed, I end up turning their blessings into my own insecurities. Then to make myself feel like a decent person, to confirm my own insecurities, I remind myself of how great of a person I am. And not in a humble way, no. Rather, I end up whispering to myself what I have or do that is better than my friend’s.
This results in being a puffed up, prideful person who is still insecure – but I can fix that with, wait, more pride! Which leads to more insecurity and unhappiness and all of that…
This is not a once-every-so-often problem – this is a moment-by-moment, thought-by-thought problem.
So what can I do? How can I save myself?
Only by the realization that I cannot. I cannot do anything to save myself. I am a big ball of insecure, broken, messiness that I cannot unwind.
“The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; their strength in time of distress.” – Psalm 37:10 (NASB)
This means that God alone is my salvation. He is the only one who can save me and unwind this ball of tangled messiness. Only him. Not me.
So God, please come. I accept your salvation, and I ask that you come and be my security. Give me the strength to choose you over food or thinking about boys or anything.
I need You.