A couple of weeks ago I was out grocery shopping with my two best friends. I was talking to them (basically verbally processing) about whether or not I should make a year-long commitment not to date. I was talking of how all these couples would tell me that as soon as they found peace with being single, BOOM!! Someone would pop up and now they’ve been married for so many years and blah-blah-blah, happy-couple-stuff. I told my friends that I wanted to find peace with being single but I didn’t want to want peace just because I thought it would finally land me a man. I wanted to finally have peace about being single for the sake of peace. I wanted to be happy.
Now I can see that I wanted my desire to change. I mean, I’m okay with wanting to be married-that’s good. That’s a holy desire. But I didn’t want it to run my life anymore. I didn’t want my single life to be about having to compensate for the fact that I wasn’t married yet. I wanted to live a life full of God’s purpose rather than waiting around for things to happen.
By the time we left the store, I had decided not to make the commitment. I didn’t want to spend a whole year looking around the corner for my husband (remember the peace-BOOM cause-and-effect?) because then it wouldn’t be about me surrendering my single life to God; it would be about getting married.
Just a moment ago I was texting a friend about a guy I like. She responded with a bunch of exclamation points, because “it’s exciting!” (her words). Meanwhile, I was trying not to make it a big deal because I wanted to find peace with God about being single and telling my friends about a cute guy wasn’t exactly doing that. Then I had this big realization,
it’s not about having peace.
I realize that liking a guy or not doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if I date or am in another relationship or am single until I’m 50. It doesn’t matter if I’m heart-broken or get married anytime soon, my life is about God. Even when I think it’s about me and how unhappy I am or how much pain I’m in because I don’t have someone, it’s really about God. Time and time again I have seen God use my pain, my happiness, my anger, my everything to show his glory and draw me closer to him.
I would so much rather have the pain of not having someone, or the pain of losing, rather than not experiencing God at all because of what I wanted.
All that matters is God’s glory.